


Recovering

by jessingaround



Series: Covered [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Post-War, Suicide Attempt, Talking, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 16:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13527813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessingaround/pseuds/jessingaround
Summary: It's been a year since Draco attempted suicide. He's still in a committed relationship with Hermione and he is finally ready to have a joint therapy session.





	Recovering

Hermione cleared her throat and Draco looked up to see her concerned face. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Draco nodded. “Yeah.” He twisted his hands in his lap. “I’m just nervous, that’s all. It’s new.”

“If at any point you want me to leave, just say so. I promise it won’t hurt my feelings. I’m doing this for you.”

“I know.” His lips curved into a small smile. “Thank you.”

“No, thank you.”

His eyebrows drew together. “For what?”

“For working so hard to feel better and including me in not only your life, but your treatment.”

Draco didn’t quite know how to address that seeing as he had only started going to therapy because Severus had practically forced him. It was a common topic in his sessions. Healer Swan was always telling him that the progress he had made was only possible because he allowed it and worked for it, regardless of what precipitated his first session. Draco was starting to believe that he did deserve some praise for his progress. Some people might not call it that, but most of the time he knew better. It had been nearly a year since his attempt on his own life and a lot had changed. They had found a good combination of medicine to manage his anxiety and depression, he had learned coping techniques and built a support system, and while he still thought about self-harm he had been clean for six months.

Though Healer Swan had mentioned including Hermione in one of their sessions months prior, Draco had requested that they privately work through some of his baggage first. Healer Swan had agreed, and praised him for asserting his boundaries and needs. It had felt good to be praised for that when his own father would have at least scolded him for it.

Today, though, Hermione would be joining him for a session. He was nervous, though not because he didn’t trust Hermione or Healer Swan. This was just something he had never experienced before. He didn’t quite know what to expect, even though during their previous session Healer Swan had asked Draco what he wanted to discuss during their joint session and outlined some of the things he thought they should discuss. Ultimately, Draco had final say in what topics were explored, but he didn’t know how Hermione was going to engage during the session. He couldn’t anticipate her responses. Still, he knew that this was important and necessary considering their relationship.

They had only gotten closer in the past year. Though the war, and ultimate defeat of Voldemort, had been difficult on both of them, they had stayed close to one another and ultimately gotten through it. Draco had held Hermione’s hand and let her cry on his shoulder through funeral after funeral. Hermione had talked Draco through panic attacks and nights of crying and suicidal thoughts when his parents were waiting for their trials. She let him cry in her arms when Lucius was sentenced to the Dementor’s Kiss, grieving the loss of a father he never really had, then again when he guiltily cried tears of joy once he realized that his father would never be able to hurt him again. She had rejoiced with him when Narcissa was pardoned of all the crimes she had been found guilty of because of her lie to Voldemort.

Draco lived with Severus, even though he could have chosen to live in Malfoy Manor with his mother. It was too difficult though, and his mother understood. He had recently begun visiting her there for tea, but there were some days even that was too triggering. It was getting easier though.

A knock on Draco’s door startled both him and Hermione. “Yes?” Draco questioned.

“It’s time to go.” Severus’ tone was sharp but not holding any antipathy.

“Of course. One moment.” Draco grabbed a bulky cardigan from his bed and pulled it on. While he was not actively self-harming and had come to terms with both his scars and his Dark Mark, he never showed his arms when he went to see Healer Swan out of respect for his other patients. Draco was well aware of triggers and didn’t want to cause any discomfort for those around him in what should always be regarded as a safe space. He nodded at Hermione and opened the door, leading her to the floo. Severus was leaning against the mantle, arms casually crossed. It took Hermione some time to get used to seeing her old professor in casual clothing, but it gradually became a part of her new normal.

Draco was instructed to floo first, so he grabbed a handful of powder and recited their address. Once he had disappeared in a burst of green flame Severus turned to Hermione. “I believe he’s in a good headspace today, but I believe Healer Swan will want to speak to him for a few moments privately to ensure that this will be productive.”

Hermione nodded and took the Floo Powder when it was offered. When she arrived she stumbled a bit, but Draco steadied her, chuckling. “It took me ages to floo gracefully.”

“Yeah, it’s jarring to say the least.” She smiled up at him.

After Severus arrived they made their way to the reception desk of the office and signed in. Severus made small talk with one of the women behind the desk while Draco and Hermione found seats. The room wasn’t full, but they weren’t alone in their waiting. A few moments of awkward silence passed then a door opened and a short woman with a lob walked out, followed by a man who appeared slightly older than Severus, with dark brown hair and black rimmed glasses. He scanned the room until his eyes settled on Draco. Smiling, the man walked up to them and greeted them both. “Draco, good to see you.” They both stood and he turned to look at Hermione and held out his hand. “You must be Hermione, it’s nice to meet you.”

She shook his hand firmly, just like her dad taught her and smiled back. “It’s lovely to meet you as well.”

“I’m excited about our session today, and that you were able to join us, but I hope you don’t mind if I speak to Draco in private for a moment.”

She shook her head. “Not at all. I’ll be here whenever the two of you are ready.” She turned toward giving him a soft smile and took her seat.

Draco leaned down to kiss her on the forehead then gestured for Healer Swan to lead the way.

Once they were in Healer Swan’s office, Draco took a seat on the couch facing the door and Healer Swan sat on the couch opposite.

Draco didn’t need prompting for this part, so he immediately began their regular check-in. “For the week I’d rate my depression at a 4 overall, but a 2 today. Anxiety, 5 overall, maybe a 6 earlier today but I’m fairly comfortable now so maybe a 2.5. I haven’t self harmed, or thought about it. I was triggered on Monday while walking in Diagon Alley when a father started chastising his son, but I utilized my breathing exercises and didn’t have a panic attack.” Draco bit at his bottom lip, a bit upset that he could be so quickly triggered, but looked up at Healer Swan to see him smiling at him.

“That’s wonderful, Draco. I expected your anxiety to be a bit higher this week because of today's session being a joint one. However, it seems like you handled the change in routine quite admirably. I know it can be upsetting when something is triggering, but it’s a testament to your progress that you were able to calm yourself and then tell me about it. Would you like to talk about that situation some more?”

“Just, will I always get upset about things like that?” Draco grimaced.

“It’s difficult to say. Everyone is different. The goal isn’t always to alleviate the trigger, though I would love for that to be a reality for you. Sometimes it just isn’t that simple. Instead I like to focus on understanding the reason behind the trigger, talking through that trauma, identifying the lies that patients believe about that trauma or because of it, and learning healthy coping mechanisms. These are all things that you are working on. It just takes time.”

Draco nodded. “Alright.”

“Do you still want to invite Hermione in?”

“Yes,” Draco replied immediately.

“Alright. I’ll get her now.”

He nodded.

Healer Swan opened the door and called out to Hermione, gesturing for her to join them. She entered and settled next to Draco.

Healer Swan leaned forward and let his elbows rest on his knees. Draco recognized this as a way he sat in order provide a stark contrast between him and his father, in order to put him at ease. “Hermione, as I said earlier I’m very pleased you were able to join us today. I have a question for you?”

“Alright.”

“What are your expectations from today?”

Hermione’s bit at her bottom lip. “Well, I suppose I expect to engage in a productive conversation about Draco’s mental health and previous trauma, our relationship, and the implications each of those things may have on one another in a safe and controlled setting.”

Healer Swan opened his mouth, closed it, then turned to Draco.

Draco smirked. “I told you she’s brilliant.”

“Well yes, but…” He looked directly at Hermione. “I’m sorry but I have never received an answer quite as well thought out like that.”

“I’m highly logical.”

“Yes, well, that is precisely what we are going to be discussing today. Of course, either of you, say something if you feel uncomfortable or have a question.”

They both nodded.

“So, Draco and I have made a list of a few things to bring up. Draco, would you like to start?”

“Sure.” Draco ran his fingers through his hair while turning to face Hermione. “Well, we obviously talk a lot, and about a lot of what I work through here, but one thing that I think you know but I haven’t explicitly said is that-“ Draco cleared his throat, “-sorry, it’s still difficult to verbalize.”

“Take your time.”

He nodded, internally collecting himself then continued. “Father was very abusive towards me.”

Hermione bit her lip and nodded to indicate that he should continue.

“I don’t know if you remember this or not, but our first evening of seventh year you left your bag in the common room on the floor…” He trailed off trying to gauge if she remembered it or not.

“Oh, yes, I do remember that now that you mention it. You seemed upset and told me that clutter really bothered you.” She pursed her lips in thought. “That hasn’t seemed to bother you as much lately.”

Draco nodded. “Yes, well. It was a very triggering thing for me. Father would yell and scream any time I left anything out of place or touched anything that wasn’t mine without express permission. He would call me ungrateful and sometimes, depending on what it was I had touched, if I had damaged it or not, or really what his mood was he would curse or hit me. I don’t want or need you to apologize. I really just needed you to know.”

Hermione nodded. “Thank you for trusting me with that.”

Healer Swan cleared his throat to gain both of their attention. “Draco, would you like to tell Hermione why you felt compelled to tell her that?”

“Right, yes.” Draco turned back to Hermione. “See, I didn’t have a wonderful, or even decent, patriarchal role model. Still, I’d like to be a dad one day.”

Hermione’s eyes widened. “Oh. Oh! And I need to know this because…”

“Because while I don’t think either of us are ready to be married, and I don’t think we’ve been together long enough to seriously consider it, I do see us together long-term.”

Hermione’s lips curved into a smile and her eyes looked suspiciously moist. “I completely agree. I know I’m not ready to get married, but I know that I eventually want to get married and have at least one child, and when I imagine that I imagine you.” Hermione moved to hold Draco’s hand in her own.

“Wonderful. I love when individuals are on the same page with their desires. Keep in mind that relationships aren’t always like this. Compromise and communication are crucial to a healthy relationship,” Healer Swan said.

Hermione giggled while Draco scoffed.

“We’re quite aware,” said Draco.

“Yes, knowing your history I can imagine. Well, let’s discuss how Draco’s past trauma and current diagnoses will affect those potential future plans, as well as your current relationship.”

* * *

 

The rest of the session went much the same way. Draco shared about his trauma. He discussed his fear of not being good enough for anyone. Hermione asked some questions about things she could be better about or ways she could help him. Healer Swan asked Hermione if she resented Draco for their past, and Hermione vehemently denied any such feelings stating that she didn’t enjoy the experience, but it pushed her to be who she was today, that she understood why Draco was that boy, and believed him to hold completely different beliefs now and even throughout part of his bullying.

At the tail end of the session Healer Swan looked to Draco with a question in his eyes. Draco gave a nearly imperceptible nod and Healer Swan turned back to Hermione. “There is one more thing that Draco wishes to share with you, Hermione.”

She looked to him and he covered both of her hands with his, fingers threading together. He looked directly into her eyes and for a moment she thought he was going to cry, but he cleared his throat and began to speak. “I want to get all of this out, so please just let me, okay?”

Hermione nodded, worry creasing her forehead.

“I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way I treated you when we were younger. I’m sorry for the way I antagonized your friends. Mostly, though, I’m sorry that I put you through what I did. I know I’ve already apologized for this but at the time I meant something different and I think you know that. This time, not only do I mean that you found me, but I mean I’m sorry I did it, that I tried to kill myself. I know you understand that I was in a very bad place, but I can honestly say now that I don’t want to die. I want to do life with you. I wish I had trusted you enough back then to talk to you, to anyone really.

“As much as I want to apologize, I also want to - no, need to thank you. You’re the reason that I’m alive. You’re the reason that I have the opportunity to open up and trust people now, to work through this fuck-ton of baggage that I have. You’re not only the reason that I am alive, but you’re the reason I get to truly live.”

Hermione slid her hands out of his and wiped the tears that had begun to fall, then she covered his lips with her own.


End file.
